Upgrading Granny

Granny’s been to the hospital,
She needed an upgrade again;
Her body’s been stripped and refitted,
By an army of white-coated men.

Her new teeth are pure carbon fibre,
Her specs were designed with a laser;
She can now bite through plates if she wants to,
And her eyesight’s as sharp as a razor.

She’s got digital hearing aid power,
And her pacemaker’s nuclear I’m told;
They replaced her hip with a stainless steel joint,
And her Zimmer’s now radio controlled.

There was a special offer on memory,
She got 64 megs of it free;
She can now recall where she left grandad,
And that that I owe her 35p.

Her toilet’s controlled by computer,
Her electric shopping cart’s fun;
Her stairlift’s got internet access,
I can’t wait till I’m ninety one.

Chocolate in the House

There’s chocolate in the house,
I hear it calling me.
There’s chocolate in the house,
I can’t stay away.
There’s chocolate in the house,
It’s drawing me near.
There’s chocolate in the house,
To resist is useless.
There’s chocolate in the house,
I’ll just go and see what kind it is.
There’s chocolate in the house,
It’s a good kind.
There’s chocolate in the house,
I’ll just try a bit.
There’s chocolate in the house,
Mmmmm…
There’s chocolate in the house,
Smooth and creamy…
There’s no chocolate in the house.

Be Careful Patting Ogres

Who’s a nice little ogre?
Who’s a lovely cuddly ogre?
Who’s a big soft chubby ogre?
Who’s a gentle jolly ogrery-wogrery then?
OWW!
Can I have my hand back?

Looby

I was really sad when Looby died,
My favourite pet of all;
We buried her at the back of the house,
Next to the garden wall.
I was really sad when Looby died,
That giraffe was part of my soul;
But not as sad as dad was:
Took him two years to dig the hole.

Fancy a Game?

Here’s my Monster footie team:
Keeper:
King Kong – he’s useless, but he does block the whole goal.
Defenders:
Cyclops – always keeps his eye on the ball;
Pegasus – plays centaur half;
Werewolf – excellent at long loud offside calls;
Phoenix – good in the air (recently made a great comeback
too).
39
Midfield:
Godzilla – provides a bit of bite in the tackle;
Big Foot – free kick specialist;
Dragon – very pacy (burns around the pitch);
Roc – good on the wing.
Attack:
Cerberus – has two sweet left feet;
Medusa – defenders are petrified when she’s on form.
Fancy a game?

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